Sell your soul today!

If any of you are unfamiliar with classic literature, (which means all of you) the story of selling your soul to the devil is as old as ‘drinking too much and waking up with a cave woman.’  Everyone from Faust to Daniel Webster  to Lindsey Lohan all got wicked awesome skills from trading something they weren’t using anyways.  How cool is that?

 Most of you would say: “You’d better believe I would trade my soul for the ability to play blues guitar, or perform the worlds fastest tracheotomy, or even just get past the last guy on level 7 of Mario Bros.  if only someone would trade my soul for it?”   And since the devil doesn’t just go around making such offers, we here at Project Hellbeast feel like you shouldn’t be without options.  Selling your soul should be as easy as picking up the phone and just as fast.   Project Hellbeast’s new Sell your Soul plan will give you the best return possible for your immortal soul.  And the beauty part is that we won’t trick you and collect it early.  We sign an agreement that we only get your soul after you die naturally.  If you are naturally gored by a hideous mutant with lasers, how is that our fault?   In the mean time, you get to enjoy fame, wealth, or popularity with your new supernatural ability.  What could be better than that?

You might be asking?  Project Hellbeast?  Don’t they manufacture the world’s best mutants?  What do they know about my immortal soul?  Well, I’m glad you asked, because we just opened a new division in Los Angeles, California, the soul-taking capitol of the world. Our experienced practitioners are more than qualified to handle your eternal being (most have retrained from the entertainment industry.) Call us today and find out what we’ll offer for your soul today.  Your newfound ability awaits.  Isn’t it time that you got something for that old soul of yours?

Project Hellbeast’s guide to meeting the ladies.

It may be an understatement to say that there are a lot of guys out there in internet land who have trouble getting past the ‘awkward introduction, sweaty handshake, proceeded by painful rejection then stalker stare from across the room’ routine that they normally go through when they meet a nice woman. Fortunately for you, my brethren ( i use that term loosely), you have Project Hellbeast on your side. Whether you are looking for someone to spend an enjoyable evening together with, watching Xena: Warrior Princess, or looking to settle down with that Xena-loving weirdo, this guide is for you.

First things first- Presentation is everything. Before you go out for a night of desperate searching, prepare yourself first. Take a shower, put on deoderant, or if you are in a hurry, go through a car wash with your windows down. Either way, get clean. Then put on some nice clothes. As Mark Twain put it: The clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence in society.” Put on your best Skid Row concert t-shirt, comb the dorito crumbs from your ratty adolescent mustache and spritz yourself with some Drakkar and get out there… the ladies await.

Choosing the Location- As you venture out away from the mold filled cave you call home, remember, selecting the right location is a vital for finding ladies. To add to that, the location you select will also be determinate in the type of ladies you find. The library: Smart, sexy bookish-type gals. The grocery store: hungry, hungry women. Kd lang concert: um…I wouldn’t expect to get any phone numbers. Select the right location for the woman you want to meet. Get down to the local bazaar and get started.

Selecting Potential Candidates- Once you are in your trendy location, look around. What do you see? Statistically speaking, half of every person you see should be female. (Unless you are at a comic book store, then the percentange drops drastically). Notice the ladies in their natural surroundings. What activities are the involved in? If she slapping a small child, then she is either Britney Spears or some type of daycare provider. Field dressing an elk? She may be a street taxidermist or a serial killer. Reading a book? She’s most likely desperately lonely. Find a girl that is interested in your interests, then make your approach.

Flirting with Style- As you approach the lady of your choice, bear this in mind: your first impression to her will be the most important part of your potential future relationship for many years to come and may be impossible to change. So get over there and make it count. I recommend opening with a funny line. Try something like this: “I’m here to settle something. My friend said you weren’t wearing any panties, so I killed him and stuffed his body in a dumpster.” or this: “What perfume are you wearing? Because you smell like a steppe bison died on a lonesome prairie somewhere and it’s rotten carcass decomposed and from out of it grew a small purple flower. You smell like that flower.” or this: “Are you Chinese? Because you’ve been doing complex mathematical equations in my mind all night.”

Strong body language-  It is important to show that you are a healthy specimen of a human being, capable of manufacturing iron clad DNA that will ensure the survival of your  genetic line, or at least be able to hide you hooked fingers, twisted spine and vestigial tail long enough to get her to talk to you.  I recommend good posture, confident speaking voice, and breath mints (lots and lots of them).  As you sit down next to her, remember, the ladies like strong eye contact– with her eyes– on her face.  That low cut dress with the push up bra is a trap.  It’s like the ark of the covenant– don’t look marion!  Whatever you do, don’t look!

Closing the deal- If the lady in question has tolerated you long enough for you to get to this stage, congratulations. You are one of the few. Actually, this is unfamiliar territory for many men so i recommend either proposing marriage, or just asking a bunch of questions about her life. Either way, You are on your own and probably moments from getting an appletini splashed in your eyes.  Flush with water immediately and consult your physician.

Hopefully you have learned some valuable information. By the way, Project Hellbeast cannot be held accountable for any of your failed attempts to meet the ladies. This guide is merely a reference, and should be seen as equal value to the paper it is printed on. Haha Fools!

Vote for Hellbeast.

Ladies and Gentleman,

As you know election season is coming up and as you examine the resumes of candidates Clinton, Obama, McCain (and to a lesser extent, Huckabee) , consider this:

No one is better suited than I to rule this country with an iron fist– which it clearly needs.  All of the petty social injustices and desperately need reforms will all become a thing of the past as every day you rise and salute me, your glorious leader.  Imagine never having to worry about health care ever again or face discrimination.  There will be no need for taxes or a divide between rich and poor.  No global corporations will dominate politics and no corrupt politicians will line their pockets with your money.  Think of it– the perfect dystopian society.   Me, your god-like leader managing every aspect of your lives. Don’t worry about what you will do for a living, what you will wear, eat or think.   Relax, for I will control it all.  You will live full, productive lives, never having to worry if your neighbor has it better than you. Trust me, they will be in the same situation as you.   And forget about the War in Iraq.  Not only will I be your leader, I will be the leader of the world.  Of course other countries may try to resist the ideas, but they will simply be lobotomized or turned into the delicious food you eat every day.  Sweet, nourishing non-believers!   So join me, You will only have to elect me once and never have to worry about silly elections or political contests ever again.

So I leave you with this:  A vote for Hellbeast is a vote for a world dictator you can believe in.

Tarkin and Friends.

I saw this and laughed. You should too.

Friends of Doom

I believe that much of what we can accomplish is the direct result of our attitude.  You wake up in a bad mood, you’re late, you get frustrated and your job performance suffers.  Inversely, If you wake in a good mood, you are cheerful, smiling, enthusiastic, you get that long deserved raise and your ex-girlfriend calls to tell you that she has Typhoid (but don’t revel in that, Typhoid is bad news).  So while many people wake up in whatever mental state they are in and just slog through the day, letting the chips fall where they may, I endeavor to try to change my attitude if I know that I’m upset or grumpy.

I’m also aware that there are some people, well meaning and certainly good folks at that,  but there are some people who can’t help but bring you down.  They walk around with a perpetual storm cloud over them and use any opportunity to rain on you.  It’s not their fault that they are this way.  They are the pessimists.  They see their glass half empty, or half full of poison.  The problem is that you consider them friends.  You still want to talk to them but they can’t help but point out the unfair, unfavorable and unenviable positions of life, both yours and theirs.  You leave a discussion with them depressed, on the verge of stepping in front of a Buick. Or drinking…  a lot.  And if you don’t leave the discussion depressed then you’ve probably skewed the other way: anger.   You are in a rage by the unfairness of it all and if something doesn’t give you are finally going to find a good use for that ceremonial Katana you bought from Pier 1 last year.  Sometimes anger is good. It motivates you to action. But this kind of anger will make you say or do something you surely will regret later.  So you bite your tongue and bottle it up.  Someday you’ll let it out… someday.

Be careful around these people.  They are the Friends of Doom. Their intentions may be good. They may only be commiserating.  They may only be putting into words the thousand minor frustrations you have, giving it a name and a face and a throat within squeezing distance, but resist, I urge you.  You’ll be much happier if you can supress these thoughts. Keep your mind happy. Keep your attitude positive. Put down those chainsaws.  Nobody ever won a meaningful argument with a chainsaw.

Except that one time…

Re: your mission: to make one of these

Ah, yes. The ubiquitous marshmallow shooter. Just six months ago I was the unfortunate target of one of these devices…..unfortunate that is for the neighbor kid.
Once I began my conquest for the holy grail of all marshmallow guns, the world began to notice a change in the way marshmallows were previously propelled.
I began by rifling a 27″ length of 1″ titanium and coating it entirely with Teflon. PAM cooking spray willl also work for those of you on a budget. I attached this barrel with carbon fiber epoxy to a intricately carve handle made from the horn of a black rhino which I bought on eBay. Much time was spent pondering various propulsion methods and techniques. There were many different propellants available which could theoretically propel a mini marshmallow to speeds of nearly 700 mph. However tests on laboratory animals revealed that at this speed, a mini marshmallow could easily penetrate nearly 4″ of re-enforced concrete and the resulting damage could be disasterous when directed towards a human…..or small neighbor.  The goal was to render unconcious but not to harm, so I ended up fitting a backpack with dual SCUBA tanks and running a hose to a fitting at the back of the barrel. With a squirrels for targets and testing at only 3000 PSI the nearly silent marshmallow projectile is sent accurately at distances of up to 1/2 mile with pinpoint accuracy.

For a complete set of plans, please send $19.95+ S&H to the address of Project Hellbeast Headquarters and your Complete set of Engineers Drawings will be shipped to you in 15-24 weeks.

Process versus Product

As an artist, this question is sometimes asked of you when someone is examining your work: What is more important, process or product?  Is art in the act of creation or the end result?  It’s not an easy question to answer.  Is your work more significant if it takes you fifteen minutes and twelve dozen popsicle sticks or fifteen years and a million endangered butterfly legs?   Can you even answer that question if you haven’t seen the end result? Looking at two images side by side, you may be inclined to think ‘this one is beautiful’ and ‘this one my retarded box turtle could do’.   But if a retarded box turtle did paint a picture, even if it was kinda crappy, wouldn’t that be significant?   I, for one, don’t believe box turtles should be allowed to paint.  They make a mockery of those who do art.  Their technique is sloppy and they fail to follow the conventions set forth by other reptile and amphibian pioneers in the field.

Whether it is the process of creation or the end result,  the outcome is always the same:  box turtles suck.

Update and new (old) stuff

Hey everyone that checks my blog.

I hope you all running around in your brand new Project Hellbeast T-shirts, accidentally spilling water on them so they soak through and people can see your surgery scars and hairy back.  That it why I made them.

I just joined mnartists.org . It seems to be a place where artists an people wanting to exploit artists can go to meet each other. I am excited. If you journey to my little page there you can see a very rare project that I made in college and spent a little time tonight improving the animation slightly.  Go and see.

Updates on my life?  Not much to say really.  I am currently writing a screenplay for an animated movie that will knock  Shrek, Finding Nemo, and The Lion King  flat on their asses.  Or at least it will have a few good jokes in it.  I am also promoting the new movie Hellboy 2: The Golden Army,  partially because I think it looks cool and mostly because I want Guillermo Del Toro to become my new best friend and patron saint.  oh and Mike Mignola too.   You guys are awesome.

Well, that’s about it.

Project Hellbeast swag

Do you love Project Hellbeast?

Do you think about something you read here for hours?

Do you pour over the content here, desperately searching for valuable information for your impending defamation lawsuit?

Want to know where you can spend your hard earned money for t-shirts with Project Hellbeast motifs printed on them?

Well than search no further. You can now buy your very own Project Hellbeast t-shirt. In fact  you can buy everyone you know one, just in time for (next) Christmas,  I might add. Be the first to own the t-shirt that the government doesn’t want you to have.  Spark controversy with your very presence while wearing this beauty.  Yes increase your personal coolness by +10.   Improve you smelling ability. Lower your overall punctuality.  Everything is possible and nothing is better than an official Project Hellbeast t-shirt.  If you have a loved family member that need a life saving operation and you just have enough money for it, but you also want an official t-shirt as well.  Just buy the t-shirt and owe the hospital a few bucks.  That is what credit is for!

Now go and get yours now. I insist.  What are you waiting for?  A sneak peek of what the design looks like?  ok fine. here.

see? I told you it was awesome. now go!

HELLBEAST Store

A final note if you have a favorite beast you would like to see on a t-shirt, let me know and I may be able to get close enough to it to get a picture before I am gored to death.  That is all.

Historical Illustration series: Ninjas vs. the Civil War