Holiday Survival tips from Project Hell Beast

22 11 2006

Many of you know that I enjoy splicing together the DNA of various creatures in order to create a super powerful bio-weapon, or Hell Beast, if you will, but what you may not know that I have also had some training in culinary arts. So at the end of the day, when the experiment has gone horribly awry and we’ve tracked down and barely managed to destroy the beast we so foolishly created, our team (what’s left of it) is often hungry and its up to me to make sure they have nourishing meals that will keep them going for another day. And I feel that each meal should be, a cornucopia of sights, sounds, smells, texture, and flavor, because, after all, it may be their last. With that in mind I compiled a list that will help you in your holiday meal preparation.

1. Make sure to stock up early and keep plenty of supplies on hand. You’ll always use more sugar, flour, corn starch, 12-gauge shells, and poison-tipped crossbow bolts than you think. Buy extra so you aren’t running to the store last minute.

2. Many people like to try something new for their holiday meal. A recent popular trend is to cook a Turducken, (combination of a Turkey, Duck, and Chicken) , which I think is a fantastic idea. For those feeling more adventurous, I recommend, Hyrangacudda (Hyena, Orangutan, Barracuda), Chimcheeno, (Chimpanzee, Cheetah, Rhino) or my personal favorite, the Batsnake.

3. Be sure you thoroughly cook all meat. An undercooked Hogslug can not only taste bad, it could also cause dizziness, bloating, diarreah, internal hemmoraging, and exploding cranium syndrome. I recommend using a digital meat thermometer. (Note: Hogslug should be cooked to an internal temperature of 190 degrees, and have a transparent green fluid oozing from it when it’s done)

4. Choosing the right wine to go with your meal is important. Chardonnay for fish and octopus, Merlot for red meat, and for Mutated Baboon Testicles in cranberry sauce , I recommend a chilled Shiraz. It really brings out the flavor.

5. It is important to note that any radioactive beasts you prepare may still contain amounts of radiation even after they are fully cooked. Use a giger counter and moderate amounts of iodine to reduce the amount of after-dinner indigestion, hair-loss, and mutation.

Well that’s the best I can offer you for right now. I hope you enjoy this time of year and know that you have a lot to be thankful for. (Especially the ability to walk upright, normal bowel function, and the use of both eyes.)

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