Hell Beast’s Guide to Death Ray Safety and Maintenance

6 12 2006

To be a proper evil genius, one must have a few things. A nice lair, attentive henchmen, a near fool-proof plan for world domination, neato jumpsuits, et cetera. But most importantly, I would say, is a means with which you can menace the the entire population, of course I am talking about a death ray.

The death ray is a cornerstone of modern warfare, that has its roots in early battles with between the Romans and Archimedes who used a rudimentary charged-particle stationary cannon to immolate the invading roman Navy. And even before that there are rumors of the destruction of the planet Alderaan was caused by a giant, celestial, death ray satellite, colloquially known as a “death star”. Modern death rays have become more sophisticated, incorporating radio frequency generators, diamonds, and occult magic. And with that increase in complexity, comes an increase in chances for things to go horribly awry. That is why I have compiled the Hell Beast’s Guide to Death Ray Safety and Maintenance.

Safety First.

A death ray is not a toy. (A death ray Jr. is a toy and can be purchased from any Toys ‘R Evil location) Death ray should be treated with respect. A good rule of thumb is always hold a death ray as if it were ready to dispense hot flaming death upon anyone you point it at, like enemy spies or hobos.

Never look down the barrel of a death ray*. (See Maintenance Section)

Most death rays have a build-up charge function, This allows for a increased intensity shot from the death ray called a “super-blast”. Always use caution when using the “super -blast” function, holding the trigger for too long can over charge the battery and lead to weapon’s failure and sometimes and explosion. Know the limitations of your Death Ray and act accordingly.

Death rays are famous for their ability to reduce multiple enemies to a dead or near dead state in a matter of moments. But they do have limitations. The size, platform, and energy beam type of the various death rays each have their own weaknesses.

Death ray rifles are lightweight, easily deploy-able, perfect for small weapons teams. The downside to them is they are not as powerful, often misused by half-wit goons (i.e. pounding in fence posts, shooting each other in the butt)

Larger vehicle-mounted guns are fairly mobile deliver a mightier punch but are often damaged by low clearance drive thru windows at fast food restaurants.

The ultra powerful Streiss-rifle uses a super intense beam of Barbra Streisand’s contemporary music that touches the heart and soul, and evaporates. them, It can only be mounted on a limousine and is very selective about where and when it works. Expensive and finicky, The Streiss-rifle is quite demanding and is generally considered too high maintenance to actually be an effective weapon in real combat situations.

The Doomsday sAtellite Mounted SpacE Laser or DAMSEL is often considered more of a last resort, or a leverage weapon than an actual field application. Although there have been a couple instances where the DAMSEL has achieved devistating results. (remember Detroit?) Owning a DAMSEL is a costly venture, requiring a private space program and usually a secluded pacific island for a base of operations. To make matters worse, a new anti-DAMSEL program operated by the USAF called Disrupt, Intercept Space Traveling Rocket-powered, Earth Sabotage Scenerios, or DISTRESS. This rather specific sounding program consists of a network of laser armed space craft whose goal is to shoot down any DAMSEL they find. When you find your DAMSEL in DISTRESS, it is often necessary to launch your earth based DAMSEL defence rocket known as a “Knight in Shining Armor” The history and significance of this name still eludes me, I think it was chosen at random.

Death Ray Maintenance FAQ.

My death ray rifle wont shoot. Whats wrong with it?

When for some inexplicable reason the weapon fails to fire after pulling the trigger several times, you may want to do a quick visual for obstructions. If nothing is obvious, try a test fire and see if you can identify what is causing the blockage.

The countdown sequence of my DAMSEL has stopped suddenly and I am unable to reach the men on board via radio transmission. What is happening?

That mysterious and ruggedly handsome man who recently has been poking around your operation is a government spy. He has disabled your weapon and killed your men. Detonate your death ray immediately, you may still have time to kill him in the blast.

I am surrounded by incompetent fools. What should I do?

Kill them whilst laughing maniacally.

My Streiss-Rifle has locked itself in a hotel room and refuses to come out. Now what?

Please refer to page 2074 in the operation instruction supplement appendix 7.

Remember to always respect your weapon, take care of it and it will take care of you. Good luck and happy blasting!

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