Recovered Hypochondriac dies of rare, terrible disease.

18 12 2006

Lester Johansen,  a fully recovered hypochondriac, was found dead in his apartment early this morning. A neighbor walking his dog alerted police when he noticed a small cascade of a red liquid coming from the man’s door.  When EMTs arrived, the were sickened by the sight that awaited them.  “It looked like a hand grenade went off inside him.”  said veteran paramedic Thor Ragnarok. “I don’t think I’ve ever barfed twelve consecutive times after seeing a body,  but this was horrible.”    Coroners have collected the bigger chunks and have sent them off to the Center for Disease Control for further analysis.   “This could be a whole new disease.” Dr. David Microbe, pathologist for the CDC says.  “Heck. We’ll probably name it after Mr. Johansen.”

Neighbors remember Lester Johansen fondly. They say he spent many years as a shut-in, avoiding all contact with the outside world until several months ago when he joined a recovery program for Hypochondriacs in order to, what he would describe as, “getting his life back.”  And get his life back he did.   Lester immersed himself in the program, and within two months he was drinking from pubic water fountains, shaking hands with strangers, and eating at Arbys.  It was truly a miraculous recovery.  Despite his therapist assuring him that he was completely recovered, Lester never felt completely free of his illness and continued to take greater risks to reassure himself.  He started drinking Mexican water, eating  undercooked iguana meat, and even went so far at to use Lindsey Lohan’s toothbrush.   And when Lester did start to exhibit some warning signs he refused to see a doctor.    The last person to speak to him was his landlady, Jacqueline Daniels.  “I remember speaking to him about his party with the Rolling Stones and how I wasn’t going to pick up all those hypodermic needles out of the lawn.   Well, he looked really pale and was sweating blood.  I thought he was sick, but he said he was fine.”   Mrs. Daniels recalls.   But the next day, Lester Johansen was dead.

“It’s a shame, really.”  Another neighbor,  Jonathan Walker-Redd says  “He never got to see Chernobyl like he always wanted.”  For now, the police have cordoned off the area and plan to fire bomb the contaminated building that once housed the greatest recovered hypochondriac the folks around here have ever known.

Government officials have warned people that this disease could be highly contagious and have asked people to remain in their houses and continue to pay their taxes. We here at the news promise continue to feed the public fears with endless conjecture and alarmist half-formed opinions from our own analysts until the the next major crisis.  Stay tuned, that’s how we keep our ratings.


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