Project Hellbeast’s Year in Review

29 12 2006

Thinking back on the past year here at Project Hellbeast, I must say that even though most of the experiments went horribly awry in one way or another, so much was learned from that experience. I also pause to remember those who were permanently disabled or killed throughout the course of this year’s work, and although it is very sad, I must say your permanent debilitating injury, or gruesome, blood-spattered dismemberment was all in the name of science. Your contributions will be remembered on a tiny placard that will be glued to the foot of a giant bronze statue of me. So whenever people from all over the world come to visit the place where the conquest of the world began they can kick aside an empty beer bottle or discarded newspaper and read your names, forever immortalized for you brave yet foolhardy endeavors, crushed under the wheels of progress, and yet still there, remembered always for … uh… well, whatever you did.

So, This year’s review will be shorter than others because we started late. August to be exact but we did have a lot happen. A spike in sales for Mutant Howler monkeys when my esteemed colleague, Drew Blom, (or as I now call him Timmy Ten Gig) won the grand prize in the WordPress “If I had tons of space on a server somewhere what would I do with it, other than archive the world’s porn, of course.” We also had some distinguished guests from around the country stop by to look at my site and say: “What? no pictures? I’m outta here.” It’s called reading there, Lindsey Lohan, look into it. (Side note: I really don’t have any ill feelings towards Ms. Lohan, but it is important to have an adversary.) We also landed a big contract with the Taiwanese to get breeding rights to the world’s only shadowcat. This however was less useful to us than we thought, because the shadow cat had no others of it’s kind to breed with. We ended up outfitting it with a jet pack and machine guns and selling it to the North Koreans. (Another side note: That Kim Jong Il is hilarious, and throws one hell of a world domination party. I can’t wait for next year, Kimmy!) And finally with the most recent incident of the “escaped” giant man-eating wolf spider still fresh in our minds, I want everyone to know that this was just another in an isolated string of incidents which in no way should affect your confidence in our organization. Your investment money is well spent, and any minor payroll glitches aside, you all will be basking in the success of Project Hellbeast for many years to come.

Warmest Regards,
Professor Manticore

CEO, Project Hellbeast

Final note. Any rumors that the entire island has been rigged to explode upon completion of the project, or that I have been diverting money from the project into my own secret accounts in the Bahamas and Switzerland are completely baseless and incorrect. If anyone has seen the explosives or any other evidence relating to this plan, please report to briefing room #7 (formerly crushing, spike-walls room #7) and wait there for further instructions.


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