Top 10 Not the best pets

7 01 2007

1. Dingoes– Loving and affectionate, these cousins of the domesticated dog have keen eyesight, good at keeping the local pest population in check, but they are most notable for being terrible babysitters.

2. Lobsters– Cute and cuddly, the lobster is the border collie of the sea. They have excellent hearing, and have a savant like ability to count cards. The major drawback to keeping a lobster is that they are delicious.

3. Kittens. Also cute and cuddly. They are like a lobster’s stupid cousin. They cannot be trusted with power cords or expensive glass figurines. Like the lobster, a major drawback is that they are also delicious.

4. Moray eel. Tempermental and moody. The moray eel likes to spend money and complain about everything you do. If you have a girlfriend, a moray eel is unnecessary.

5. Flamingo. Eccentric and beautiful. the flamingo is your best friend when you need it. Unfortunately since all male flamingos are gay, expect their population to dimish drastically in the next year or so.

6. Frilled lizard. Loud and boisterous, the frilled lizard is often mistaken for being a very positive and upbeat creature. Unfortuantely this is only half true. Frilled lizards are often bipolar and only come out when they are “up”. They want to spend money, drink and stay up all night. This only lasts for a week usually then they sink into deep depression and hide away from the world. Suicide is common among frilled lizards.

7. Unicorns. Wise and magical, the unicorn seems to be the perfect pet. They can speak many languages and often know the secret location to many a buried treasure. Unfortunately they don’t really exist.

8. Tigers. The proud and powerful tiger is one of the fiercest beasts on the planet. They can smell blood, fear, trace amounts of bomb making supplies, dirty sweat socks, and ketchup that has been poured out to simulate blood. They usually attack their prey from behind, so as long as you own a tiger, you can never turn your back on it.

9. Goldfish. Short memories and compusive eaters, goldfish are the Nebraskans of the animal kingdom. (Coincidentally, goldfish are huge Cornhusker fans as well.)

10. Portugese Man O’ War— They sting, man. They sting!

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4 responses

10 01 2007

An echidna will dig through virtually anything, including your ribcage, if it feels so inclined. It may also steal your refrigerator in the dead of night. It deserves an honorable mention.

10 01 2007

I forgot to mention Kangaroos as well. They have a reputation for being brutally honest about your physical appearance and the sometimes like to hide kilos of cocaine in their pouch.

27 02 2007
the artist known as Eve

Personally i always wanted a wombat… do you know of any breeders that have fresh litters this time of year?

27 02 2007

I wouldn’t recommend a wombat, they are tremendously cynical and require 2-3 quarts of blueberry yogurt per day. On second thought, I think one would be an ideal match for you.

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