Tips for protecting your DNA

15 02 2007

Identity theft, I am told, can happen to anyone at anytime. It is especially prominent when the credit reporting agencies that maintain your information, can sell it every time your report is pulled. (it’s true.) But there is a crime being perpetrated on millions of people everyday, robbing people of there identity on a sub-mollecular level, and you don’t even know it’s happening. DNA thieves steal your coded double-helix and sell it to Cloners, Limb traders, and Mutant Farmers. The next thing you know, your looking through an issue of Third World Digest, and on page 23 there’s a picture of a woman milking an eight legged goat with your head on it’s body. You don’t want that to happen. (Trust me.)

Now that you know why protecting your DNA is important, Here are the steps can you take to make sure your information is safe.

1. Never give out your DNA unless you are sure of where it is going and what it is going to be used for? Don’t be embarassed to ask either and never be afraid to say “no”. When you’re buying something from your favorite department store, and they ask you for your zip code and blood sample, you are completely within your legal right to refuse them this information. Large companies are notoriously unreliable with customer’s information, your best safeguard is your own vigilance. On the same note, don’t give genetic material to panhandlers or beggars either. “Sir, could you spare some stem cells?” “Sorry, buddy. No can do. You’ll probably sell them to buy booze.”

2. Limit your amount of stray DNA. Each moment we lose thousands of skin cells, each one encoded with our genes. Every time we cut our finger, spit on the sidewalk, or “utilize the services” of a womanly escort, we leave our precious DNA out for anyone to come by and take it. Reduce these indiscretions by removing excess skin before you go out. Many people will tell you that an exfoiliant work but I recommend something more powerful, either a Diluted industrial acid or a battery powered De-skin-erizer. (The Sharper Image one is great.) Also keep your spillage of bodily fluids to a minimum. And no trips to Scotland.

3. If you suspect your DNA has been stolen take action immedately. Contact the big 3 Genetic Material Reporting agencies and put a fraud watch on your DNA. This really has no effect, but it might make you feel better. And thats what it’s all about.

4. Do some detective work. If you see someone that looks kinda like you. Take as much of their blood as you can get and go to a 24-hour genome lab. You can usually find out right away if somone is using your genes. If you find out that in fact the person in question is using your DNA. You can recover all of it on the spot.

Remember, only you can protect yourself from being illegally cloned and sold as spare bits for generic dogfood in Malaysia.

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2 responses

20 02 2007
Seth

My pet dragons love reading your blog. They wait for each new posting much like a bear waits to awake from hibernation, only without all the sleeping.

20 02 2007
Phil

I’m glad I’ve got a big fan following with dragons. Its kind of a niche market but I think I’ve pretty much got it covered. Thanks.

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