A message from Dr. Snyder-Sunshine.

20 03 2007

Hi, This is Dr. Cassidy Snyder-Sunshine, the new staff psychologist at Project Hellbeast! Let me just say how excited I am to be working with all of you on the team. I certainly hope we can establish a working rapport and possibly even some friendships as we get to know each other.  I want you all to know that I have an open door policy. You can come in any time and discuss any issues you may be having.  I also have a cellphone which I always have on, which you can call me day or night, and we can talk.

Working on morally questionable genetic experiments to create super-powerful mutant Hell-beasts can be quite stressful, and you may be saying to yourself.  “What does this slightly effeminate, yet tastefully dressed guy know about people who create hideous mutants?” Well, you should know that I’ve spent over 14 years working with various morally questionable  mutant-creating organizations such as Enron and the German Super Soldier laboratory, Der Klonhaus.  I know about the psychological effects of seeing your best friend and co-worker torn apart by flesh-eating  giant armadillos.  It can be tough, but that is why I am here: to help you through the horrifically traumatic events  as well as the day to day pressures you may be facing.

Some of you may be experiencing some anxiety because of my background in mind-erasing techniques, electro-shock, immersion, and brain-worm therapies. Or that I’m not actually a real “licensed psychiatrist” but more of what you may call a “war criminal”. Or that anything you tell me will not be held in the strictest of confidence, but instead will not only be reported to your supervisor, the president of the company and the juiciest tidbits will be published in my monthly newsletter, Those Crazy Bastards,  for the entire company to read. Well, I want to assuage your fears right now. While worrying about these things is normal, it won’t change your situation.

Once again, I just want to say how happy I am to be here, and that I look forward to meeting you all individually in the next few days as I do mandatory psychotic screenings on all personnel.  Thank you.

Dr. Cassidy Snyder-Sunshine.



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