Improving your situation

31 03 2007

As I’m sure with all my other advice that you’ve taken and used to your own personal and professional benefit, you are just salivating over any new pearls I can offer.  What I am about to divulge to you is not only so secret that even Oprah doesn’t know about it, but is so profound that reading it will most likely destroy the way your mind quantifies abstract concepts like spicy mustard flavors, pressure sensitivity whilst brushing your teeth, and the all important, do you agree with what Simon Cowell just said.  Yes this universal truth applies to everyone and is applicable in all situations.   It is the single most important thing you can learn in life and after hearing it some people are inclined to just lay right down and die.  I am not responsible for their deaths, because they chose it, and I will not interfere with those who have completed their life’s objective and want to hit the power switch.  Not my business.

Now with all disclaimers made, (you know, I am not responsible for what I write, do, think, or say. and cannot therefore be held legally for and damages to people or property resultant to what actions I have taken.  Furthermore, it is more likely society’s fault and if you would like to join me in a class action lawsuit against society as a whole you may contact my to-be-named lawyer. If you are a lawyer and are interested in doing a pro-bono class action lawsuit against society and not get paid for what will be years of hard work on an unwinable case for which I am asking for all the money, jewels, precious metals, and plastic beads which are sometimes traded as currency,  then please contact me.

I’m going to now say what the secret is, but first I want you to read an actual testimonial from someone who I told the secret to 14 days ago.  I can’t tell you their name or gender because after I told this person they gave up both.  After hearing the secret this person, (I don’t even want to say they are a person because that wouldn’t be entirely accurate either) this being quit their job at the auto parts store, invented a way to travel through time and space using photo voltaic cells and a grapefruit,  and ascended to a higher plane of consciousness.  And I didn’t even tell them the entire secret,  can you imagine what you will be able to do with knowing the most powerful and important piece of information to ever exist.   Here’s what this person acutally says about the secret roughly translated:

”                                                                                                                 !”

The reason you can’t read it is because their response to the secret is completely incomprehensible to you.  Like trying to explain Paris Hilton to a colony of winged termites.  But basically what they are saying is, “Wow!” and not just a big ‘Wow!’  but the kind of ‘Wow!’ that would cause a volcano to erupt perfectly cut diamonds onto a field of bunnies.   So you know this secret is big.

So now that you know how important the secret is, you probably want to know what the secret is, right?  Of course you do.  (Unless you’re stupid.)  So if you know that the secret will make all of your wildest dreams come true, then you would probably want to pay for something that important, right? Of course.   The fact that I’m practically GIVING the secret away by charging a mere 1000 dollars for it is cause for celebration.  Please, calm yourself.  I know you are demanding to pay more, but I wouldn’t think of it.  No, just think of me as saint or a low level superhero.  That is gratitude enough.  Yes send your money, and all will be revealed at my seminar.

There don’t you feel better?  I knew you would.


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