Project Hellbeast Ad

4 04 2007

Hello, I’m Professor Socrates Manticore, and as a kid,  my grandfather used to say “Shoot ’em in the head and bury ’em deep, son. You don’t want ’em comin’ back as zombies.”   While that is good advice for dealing with tabloid journalists,  it doesn’t work so well in the custom hybrid animal business.  My grandfather also used to say “Provide a quality mutant woodchuck, at a fair price and people will come from miles around just to buy one.”  That has been our philosophy here at Project Hellbeast.  We believe in the customer.  While our clients may be international terrorists or borderline sociopaths, they aren’t stupid and they don’t want to get ripped off.  Nothing is more frustrating than being in the middle of a world domination scheme and your plans are ruined by catastrophic mutant failure.   And if your company provided those mutants, don’t you think that would reflect poorly on your operation?  The mutants you receive from Project Hellbeast are top quality.  Each creature has been thoroughly tested and certified by the World Mutant Commission.   You know the razor-toothed grenade fish that you buy from us will not only find and kill anyone trying to infiltrate your lair through the underwater aqueduct, but it will also explode, and that’s pretty freakin’ cool.  Project Hellbeast has all the mutants you need, whether you are terrorizing the world or just your neighbor’s cat.

Project Hellbeast. Conquering the planet just got easier.


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2 responses

4 04 2007
Professor Emeritus

As a faithful reader of this blog and monetary supporter of your Latrodectus Mustelidae project I will post a comment to facilitate the viscous mechanism which is defined as the braintrust of Project Hellbeast.
I would like to take this opportunity to comment on other blogs….not this posting, but blogs in general and their inordinate lack of pertinent synopsis. I would also like to drawl on and on about the plethora of mindless drivel which is filing up the internet, but I will save that for another time.
Please feel free to send any detrimental comments you may have regarding the above statement, written on the back of a postage pre-paid return crate the size of a rhinoceritops, and I will promptly send you succinct answer.

5 04 2007
Phil

Greetings Professor Emeritus, I trust your Black Widow Ferrets are working out well. Not too snippy I would hope. Your comment brings up a good point, that is Project Hellbeast is more than a blog filled with mindless drivel. It is a way for people without real meaning in their lives to become better informed. I trust you will have many happy returns.

Prof. M

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