Marriage Problems

14 05 2007

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them.  What is more amazing to me is how little you can know about someone after being married to them for years on end.

I’m sure by now, after reading the title of the post and my opening statement, you are like,  “Mr. Hellbeast, are you having marriage problems?”, and “If so please elaborate in a long, juicy tirade so that we, your impish acolytes, may have a glimpse behind the veil of our terrible master’s home life.”

I’m sorry to disappoint my sweaty little monkeys, but no, Mrs. Hellbeast and I are doing quite well, in fact.  We are very much happy and in love.  What? You don’t believe me?  What about that marriage seminar she signed us up for?   Never you mind about that!
I don’t claim to be an expert on matrimony. I haven’t written any book or informational packet distributed at 12 step meetings about marriage.  I haven’t taken any higher educational classes that specifically address being married.  What I have learned about it is what life has taught me.  My dad always used to say “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”  he also used to say “No one is completely useless,  you can always be a bad example.”  While my own mom and dad have been a good example for me, I have known many others whose relationships I use as cautionary tales for ‘what not to do.’

The fundamental elements of marriage are: Love, Respect, and Protection.

Love- It is impossible to maintain that giddy, emotional, lusty,  “whatever you want, sweetie”  kind of love that most people experience during courtship and some manage to stretch trough the first year of marriage.   This kind of love is fueled by short term, drug-like, hormones that ultimately cause us to not act like we normally would.  When that giddy love wears off, that is usually the start point at which most relationships break down.  Nowadays, people end up dating for longer periods of time and will usually break up when their giddy love ends.  But in marriage that giddy love must be replaced with a deeper, more bonding kind of love.  Deep love is like reinforced concrete.  It takes a while to set but once it is there, you have a permanance that can weather any storm. That love feeling is reinforced by the other two elements of marriage.

Respect- Your partner must be your equal. Respect and abide by the rules you set in your marriage.  Consider the feelings of your spouse.  Let your partner’s voice count and their opinion matter.  Let them win sometimes, but don’t be a pushover either.   If people followed these simple guidelines, they would have stronger, happier marriages.  Unfortunately these very rules were formed from the many cautionary tales I have personally witnessed in my life.  What it comes down to is the golden rule.  Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.  That’s never a bad idea.

Protection- As a husband, one of my major jobs is security.  I must fend off any predators and keep her safe.  Scientists will say marriage is an evolutionary characteristic that emerged when dinosaurs found women to be more delicious than men (who bathed less frequently).  It stands to reason that women would try to find a way to get men risk life and limb to protect them in exchange for … uh … (ahem) … So anyways.  Protecting your woman is not limited to their physical well being.  You must also be sensitive to their feelings.  Women don’t ask if they look fat in a particular pair of jeans to get a motivational speech about eating less and working out.  They want to know that you still find them attractive.  (By the way, the correct answer to that question is;  “You make any pair of jeans look good, honey.”)    Women you also must take steps to protect your man. It is your job to stand up for him when your friends are calling him a doofus, or help him find matching socks (because he never will on his own) or even not become a key witness for the prosecution when they are indicting him for experimenting with animal DNA to build a powerful genetically enhanced monster to terrorize large population centers. You get the point.

Hopefully this was helpful to you in your marriage.  Keep those complete lack of comments coming. I enjoy not reading them!


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2 responses

14 05 2007
Seth

Yes, and this is why I am so addicted to this blog. Where else can one gain sound marriage advice, valuable insight on Dinka life and peer into the mind of a deranged animal genetic scientist.
“Care for some gopher Everett?”

14 05 2007
Phil

My hair!

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