You’re not going to like this.

9 08 2007

The way I see it you have two options.  Neither of which you are going to like.

Wait a minute, let me start over.  Here’s the deal:  You are an average, ordinary person.  You work a job, you pay for some type of living arrangements, you pay for relationship arrangements, you have a large poster of a chimpanzee in a top hat that once amused you but now just stares with those hollow, empty eyes that follow you around the room, staring and waiting, staring and waiting.  You watch television in the evening and eat out more often than you should.  You subconsciously think that certain products you buy will actually make you cool/attractive/interesting.  You live a boring life with some boring friends and perhaps a significant other just as boring and insignificant as you. Lets face it, you suck.

The good news is that you realize your own suckiness and want to change.  The bad news… brings us back to the beginning.  You have two options.

Option 1:  The French Foreign Legion.   ‘Doesn’t that seem a little extreme?’  you ask.   To that I say ‘Nay’  the extreme level of suck that you have achieved in your pitiful, insignificant existence can only be purge with the harsh training and ask no questions approach of the foreign legion.  The level of awesomeness you will achieve having spent years of your life in the desert, eating scorpions will be immeasurable. How do you think Van Damme got so cool all of the sudden?  The down side is that  the effects are temporary.   Once again, see Van Damme.

Option 2. You can work harder, make more money, get a trophy wife (but what if I’m a girl?)  Shut it, You!  Get one anyway.  And buy a luxury mid-sized car.  Get a half-a million dollar home.  Work harder still, have kids that don’t like  you.  Get older,  have an affair, get a divorce.  Have problems getting an erection, take a pill.   Have heart trouble, take another pill.  Realize you never saved for retirement, complain endlessly. Die poor and unhappy.  How will that make you cool?   Perhaps it won’t but at least you’ll be like everyone else.

And isn’t that what being cool is all about?


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