Don’t buy organic.

14 10 2007

 Memo to:  the general populace.
From: Project Hellbeast, secton 12,  Food reasearch division.

Re: the scourge of organic food.

First of all, Thank you for your continued support of all of  our diverse product offerings.  The delicious food you consume each day is chock- full of our flavor-adding ingredients.  You may be surprised to find that we here at the project,  not only genetically mutate animals for world domination, but plants as well.   The scope of our reach is only limited by our imagination.  You can find our animal hormone infused sweet corn right in your produce section,  our super-recombinant weasel DNA injected beef in your meat section and aspartame in everything!   Yes your food has had our finger prints over it in every aspect.

Secondly,  you should know that you can’t get our wonderful by-products into your bodies if you eat organic foods.  I know it goes without saying that food without the sweet tang of insecticide or the robust kick of cow steroids is just too gross to imagine, but that is what you are getting when you buy organic.  No delicious preservatives, no delectable additives,  nothing to make your  food unnaturally low in calories and fat.  Nothing could be worse than having to overexert yourself with a strenuous exercise regimen and natural foods, when you could leave the weight management to the experts and shed those pounds with a vitamin-injected diet soda that does the work for you.  Its foolish to think that nature is better than science, and even more foolish to think that you could think for yourselves.  So take this as your official instruction from an authority figure: Don’t buy organic food.

Your future outbreak of cancer will thank you.



3 responses

15 10 2007

I once bread a cow with a cybernetically enhanced Tapir. I then injected its offspring with genes from the Aye-Aye. Let’s just say if you see a large, brown spotted cow with bugeyes, tiny hands, and round, flat ears swinging through the trees- please contact RisingSidewalks labs at 555-8717 immediately. Do not, I repeat DO NOT approach, and take cover in the nearest facility available.

but, anyway, it made great cheese.

15 10 2007

Good news and bad news.
I found your mutant. It was delicious.
I guess that is good news times two for me.

16 10 2007

Good lord man what have you done! You have single handedly extinquished an entire species! What have I told you about putting genetically manufactured beings in your mouth?

*sigh* I guess it’s back to the drawing board.

Hmm…ah yes, I’ve got it! Two words – Llama Whale.

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