DIY Mutant Kit

16 10 2007

I’ve noticed a recent surge in interest for the private individual to start building their own mutants at home. While this is a commendable and worthwhile pursuit,  I must strongly caution against doing so without the patent pending  Project Hellbeast Do-it-yourself Home Mutant Kit.  Everything you need to build powerful and dangerous world threatening mutants in the comfort and convenience of your own home.   The kit includes your very own syringe, Erlenmeyer flask,  Bunsen burner,  a frozen weasel*, two pounds of stem cells, the Lil’ Beast gene splicer (12w bulb not included) and a bottle of brackish water.  Everything you need to build your very own freakish monsters.  Of course you will need to supply the base animal and any optional equipment such as lasers and machine guns or chainsaw blades.

Be the first on your block to terrorize the neighborhood with your own Hipposaurus Rex**.  Order yours now!

*Project Hellbeast does not vouch for the  quality of the frozen weasel.

** Combining living DNA with long extinct DNA may produce varying results.



3 responses

19 10 2007
Jibbly Von Wonderbra

I want my money back. We sent in our money and when the package arrived this is what we got. A rusty nail, a chewed toenail, a tube of god only knows what(looked a little like tabasco sauce and yogurt), a pair of worn mittens, a half eaten gummy bear, underpants with what looked like a plane had landed on them, and some flyer for a rock concert in bangledesh. I don’t even like that kind of music. To anyone considering ordering. Think twice, you’ve been warned. Or pop on over to Mutants-R-Us and get a guarenteed mutant for your very own. My wife and I are couldn’t be happier with our 5 headed Howler Chicken. Money well spent.

19 10 2007

Ah Yes, Mr. Von Wonderbra, or should I say Baron Gooch Von Tainthammer, owner, operator, and chief propaganda officer of none other than Mutants-R-Us. Your charade has failed, sir. The package you should have received is a hefty sack filled with rhinoceros dung! I have a tracking number for you just in case: 726934762. My loyal customers wont fall for your weak attempt to lure them away with your pathetic half-baked mutants. We’ve all seen them, they’re sickly and stupid. I will put any of my mutants in a head to head competition to the death whenever you want, sir! I call you OUT! The gauntlet has been thrown.

22 10 2007
Extensive Underwater REsearch Council Associated

Due to the nature of this product and the varying claims made by the manufacturer our independent consulting firm has derived the following statement:
After extensive evaluation and testing of this product we at Extensive Underwater REsearch Council Associated or (E.U.RE.C.A. as we are more commonly known) has deemed this product to be of a satisfactory nature for children over the age of *3.
The brackish water tasted suspiciously like Dr. Pepper.
However a chemical analysis revealed that brackish water is actually a exact chemical match to Dr. Pepper. As is has already been proven, quite safe for human consumption.
The Bunsen burner was not actually a Bunsen, but a Chinese knock-off of a very high quality. Worth every penny.

The Lil’ Beast gene splicer was particularly useful for fusing not only genetic material, but also was quite good at salad preparation techniques which normally are quite menial.

Editors Note: A number of these kits were returned to the factory after testing, and through some strange mistake I am now missing my underpants. Also the rock concert was quite excellent.

*There may be a 98% chance that the **weasel may not actually be frozen. A number of kits had live weasels.

**1% were not actual weasels, but may have been some type of tree martin, mink or common ship rat.

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