Burn After Reading

29 10 2007

Greetings Agent X,

Before I discuss the mission with you, I should first give you a little background information first.  We don’t know exactly when it began but we first noticed the disappearance of several prominent genetic researchers in 1992.  After eleven years of careful detective work and a few lucky breaks, we were able to track down where the missing scientists were ending up.  It was a small mysterious island near the Gamora mainland. Bank records show someone going by the name of Professor Manticore was using his weath and influence to attain the top minds in genetic research in the world.  After several more years of continuous and unfruitful infiltration attempts, we finally were able to get some information out of a half dead animal handler that washed ashore on Fiji.  He told us through an interpreter about certain experiments taking place there of  morally and legally questionable.   Heres where you come in.

Your mission if you choose to accept it (of course you have no choice)  you must take the prefabricated identity we have created for you and blend in as one of the scientist.  You must gather all the information you can and post it in the comments section of this blog.

Now get out there and try not to get killed.


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5 responses

30 10 2007
Sarah

After donning my disguise – the mask you gave me that makes me look like a 55 year old hermaphrodite with adult acne and a few stray pieces of gray facial hair, the thick glasses, white lab coat, and name tag that simply reads “Chris – Lead Genetic Scientist, Associate Physiological Doctor, Biological/Psychological/Chemical Mammalian Trainee; MD, PHD, DDS, VMD – I was able to use the infrared sensing microchip affixed to my watch to detect that the entire perimeter had lasers at ankle level and plasma ray wands on robotic arms. I believe that the robotic arms are a new technology derived from our very own research of the mutant Octogoriliophant; the elbow joint seemed very familiar.

Upon reaching Level Three of the facility (that’s the one that is 5 stories underground where your previous investigations determined Professor Manticore’s private office to be) I quickly realized that you sent me on this mission ill-equipped. I only had a broken Swiss Army knife (by broken I mean I had only the toothpick and tweezers left), the official Project Hellbeast survival kit (you might want to check the contents of the others on the shelf because it appears as though I was given an empty box), and my latest personal project mutant (what I like to call Dragonfly Warrior – a cross between the common dragonfly and the highly poisonous African Assassin Bug). The bug took a bite out of my right index finger, the box fell out of its official OD green pack sending it shooting across the highly polished marble floor and alerted the guards to my presence. I was barely able to type this message in the 45 minutes that it took them to reach my location in the closet of the janitorial station on Sub Level 6 ½.

If you are reading this, it means that my communication was transmitted (a good sign considering the fact that all of the electricity on the island was run by the native midgets who are commonly known for only having two fingers and a thumb). I probably am being tortured for information right now. Do not fear; I will never give up your identity. I find it strange though, while rifling through Professor Manticore’s safe, I came across his passport, the one with his real identity, and was confused by the fact that you have the same name…

30 10 2007
Phil

Ah yes, sadly you have revealed my secret. This “mission” was really an attempt to cull any foreign agents from my organization. Such treachery cannot be tolerated, it can however, be rewarded. Congratulations Agent X, or should I say, Double Agent X, you are now my new chief of security. Your first task will be to rat out any other remaining members of your previous organization in exchange for shiny beads. You next objective will be to disable any listening devices you or other agents from your organization may have planted in the course of your duties and for that you will be rewarded with a tasty beverage that produces a warm tingly sensation in your extremities and lowered inhibitions that we call “Fire-water”. Your final job is to exterminate any live creatures you have loosed to interbreed with our carefully engineered “pure” mutants so they don’t dilute the gene pool, Your final reward will be this complete set of warm woolen blankets. Feel free to remove them from the quarantine bags and hold them close to your face and breathe deeply. Aaah… warm!

31 10 2007
Jib Wanawana Flingding *click*

We’ve beefed up security at our facilities. We’ve called in all of our NOC’s thanks to your foolishness in revealing your plans. Your search for any remaining individuals will be in vain and hopefully shall rid you of any currency you may still possess. Our intelligence of your so called island(a dumpster off of Lake and Lyndal) has grown and we shall use it to it’s fullest potential to finally rid the streets of downtown Minneapolis of your mutants. Granted, there a thousands of your minions roaming the streets, but we feel that our intelligence in cooperation with our team of anti-mutants will prevail. No longer shall you have a stranglehold of the general population, and Sarah, your foolishness will not be tolerated, you’ve been targeted for re-animorphasism. You shall be returned to your initial giraffe state, and remain that way until full memory wiping is finaled. Phil, the UN has given us and NMIO(National Mutant Irradication Organization) full authorization to find you and beat you with down filled pillows to get any and all information you may possess about us. So with that said. IT’S ON!!! Don’t bother burning this, we’re also ozone friendly, it will fold itself back up and fly back to us where we recycle and re-use our things and stuff. But this is electronic, so no worries about that anyways. Back to my game of Dragon’s Lair.

31 10 2007
Professor Emeritus

Happy Halloween.
In commemmoration of this “Holiday” celebration for a sugar induced diabetic comatic stupor, I will offer a slight chance for cerebral misdirection for those of you who will spend a quiet evening indoors avoiding the doorbell and tirelessly working on the pursuit of the mutant gene.

Recipe for Emeritus’s Reticulating Splines.

3-Teaspoons Generic Pholymorpholase DNA cells
1.5 mg Ferral Glandular Serum
.624 Metric Tons of Paul’s Rodentia Germaniase*
12 Liters Dr. Pepper
.75 cups Reticulated
1 dollop of Crest Extra Whitening Formula Toothpaste. (for color)
4 large, live, almost frozen bobcats.
1 kg spent Uranium rod
1 Shorn beef coat.

Mix in Kinetic Incubator using Nibral whisk on Extra Super Medium for 33-44 hours or until gooey.

Refrigerate at sub-zero temperatures for 26 minutes. Roll into ball the size of a Bake @ 7500 degrees for 12-15 minutes or until core temperature reaches 6000 degrees. Outside should be extra crispy but slightly opaque and have the aroma of Old Spice.

After cooling, Make a small hole in the top and drain off contents into several small vials. Should yield 3.4- 3.7 vials if instructions are followed.

Pour vials back into Dr. Pepper bottle and seal. Incubate 10-12 days and send it to your friends!
For best results, Avoid looking directly into the bottle when opening.

*A substitution can be used instead of the name brand but results may vary.

2 11 2007
A. Nonimus

I tried to find the place, but the address that was in the dossier was for a Dairy Queen Grill and Chill. I couldn’t go in because of a peanut allergy, but from what I could see through the windows, if you’re interested in mutants, you really should check this place out.

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