Excerpt from Project Hellbeast’s guide to the Harvest.

19 11 2007

[Excerpt pg. 47]

… important to remember. Prairie dogs and most  ground rodents on the other hand can be handled easily with a LAWS rocket or carefully placed Claymore.

For the really tough to reach fruit in any orchard– especially after an overzealous crowd has picked clean the lower hanging fruits, I recommend this handy apparatus.  They can be found in most public fruit orchards especially during the late growing season into harvest.  Most of the time you can just find them running (sometimes scampering, but not always) in, around, or about the trees.   They are called human cubs, sometimes referred to as “children” or just “a child”. The human cub is a wily creature, often skittish, and usually stays close to a parental figure.  But often enough they get bored and adventurous and go searching for fun. That is when you grab one up.   Tame it with a fierce glare directly into their eyes, then it is just a matter of holding them up high enough and pointing out the fruit you want to select.  These smart little creatures can get all the fruit that the shorter beasts missed. Leaving you the prime and bountiful harvest of the high branches.  Now your only competition for good fruit will be NBA stars, who are very seldom seen in orchards or any type of fruit harvesting areas, so they shouldn’t be much trouble.  In case you do encounter an NBA star, just shout “Look! Somebody set fire to an Escalade!”  that should buy you enough time to escape.

One final note is if you do secure a human cub be sure to work quickly, their mothers are fiercely protective  and can hurl a cell phone with deadly accuracy.   Also due to the high amounts of caffine in their system they are preternaturally strong.   Release the human cub as quickly as possible, to avoid any confrontation.   Enjoy the harvest and remember: An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but fruit juice always attracts the carnivorous wolfbat, so eat carefully and watch the skies!

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7 responses

19 11 2007
Sarah

Do you get extra points for grabbing the cutest human cub around?

19 11 2007
Katie

Tell me, how much do you want for that particular cub in your possition? I’ve started to dabble in the market for such stock, and am willing to take her off your hands for a very generous sum. Please get back to me promptly – I am a very busy person.

19 11 2007
Phil

Unfortunately the little cub you see in the picture mauled four of my men (two of them to death) before escaping into the leafy branches of a red delicious tree. It then hissed and shot molten spores at our eyes, blinding us the criticism of others and rendering us completely unable to be humble. We are lucky to be the best mutant hunters on earth and alive.

20 11 2007
Katie

How dreadfully unfortunate.

25 11 2007
Ryan

Are you smelling the cubs hind end? Don’t you know, that can kill you. Man, you’re dumb.

29 11 2007
Eugene Thornbuckle

So I know this guy right. He had a cub like that. One day, he was watching a re-run of Jerry Springer and fell asleep. It was one of those mid-day re-run jobbies, like say it was round 2 in the pm. Well, all he can recall is this. He was watchin one of the women pound on a boyfriend or somethin’, dozed off, he woke up with his arm half eaten, and the little critter still nibblin’ on his stub of a left leg (he’s a righty thanfully). You give yers time…..it’s gonna eat ya. Think twice about not keeping those things caged. Ya’ll have a good night.

4 12 2007
Katie

tsk tsk. someone’s slackin.

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