Mutant Recovery Squad: Attica, Indiana

7 01 2008

The cosy town of Attica, Indiana might just be the most picturesque small community in the entire part of Midwestern Indiana. Nestled along the Wabash river and adjoining the historic “Dolly Varden Line” railway, Attica is the perfect spot for raising a family, leading a quiet, laid back life, and avoiding all the chaos and noise of city life. What the laconic folks of Attica were not anticipating however was the nearly week long rampage of a malfunctioning mutant, accidentally released in their midst. Fortunately for these gentle folk, we were there.

We are the Mutant Recovery Squad.

7:45pm: We recieved a call from the local law enforcement officials detailing an attack on a carload of high schoolers, and mobilized our Mutant Containment Vehicle- which is pretty much a decomissioned fire truck that shoots gasoline from the hoses. This vehicle has been remarkably effective in containing larger mutants and anything with fur. The downside is that anything combustible in the nearby vicinity usually suffers as well.

8:21 am. We arrive in Attica and eat breakfast at a local cafe. I had eggs over medium, bacon, hash browns, wheat toast dry and a glass of grapefruit juice, which I only drank a few sips of because I decided that I really don’t like grapefruit juice. I tip the waitress $2.33 and we are off. Without knowing exactly what type of mutant we are facing, I check the customer records and the national mutant registry to see if there are any hybrid offenders in the area. There are no records of anyone nearby. The nearest mutant owner is eighty miles away in Indianapolis. Perhaps an examination of the attacked vehicle will provide more clues.

9:53 am. A careful inspection of the 1992 Ford Probe GL reveals that the owner to be an arrogant jackass who is compensating for something. We also noted 3 claw pattern scratches to the exterior of the vehicle. Hair fibers were consistent with that of a Ursus Horribilis. Further DNA analysis would be required to identify the actual genetic markers. The C7 tag on the long chain ribosome should also contain the owners information if it is one of the class G or later models. I bag the hair and send it to the mobile lab for definitive results. I also note that the entire roof of the car was missing (located after a short search in a nearby white oak tree). This was probably the way the mutant gained access to the unsuspecting and delicious teenagers. Mechanical cuts on the frame indicate a rotating metal blade, most likely a chainsaw. From the evidence here, I suspect our culprit is a Reticulated Sawbear.

11:15 am. We take an early lunch. Me: Clubhouse sandwich with turkey, swiss, tomatoes, and fresh spinach, kettle chips and an orange soda. I was actually unable to finish my kettle chips, due to a large barn owl that appears to have been waiting for me to be momentarily distracted so it could swoop down and steal the entire bag from my plate. Owl apparently love kettle chips, who knew? We receive another call from the sheriff. A woman and her two Siberian huskies disappeared on a walk near the country club. We left the restaurant without leaving a tip. (Afterwards, I debated on whether or not to return and give the young lady a few dollars, but concluded that any establishment that isn’t 100% Barn owl free doesn’t deserve a tip).

12:31 pm. Outside the Harrison Hills country Club we find the two dogs completely bisected by a mechanical cutting device, again most likely a chainsaw. No trace of the woman but a Nokia cell phone with dental impressions similar to that of a Grizzly bear seem to confirm my earlier suspicion.

2:08 pm. Missing woman miraculously located at local franchise coffee house, in one piece and downing shot after shot of espresso.  Still in a state of shock we were able to piece together that she was attacked by a large brown creature with a metal arm that had a rotating blade on it– This seems to corroborate our story entirely.  Woman collapses from caffeine poisoning and is taken to local hospital. I order tall nonfat chai tea with soy and the local beatniks nod in approval. I call to assemble the mutant retrieval gear.

3:15 pm. We assemble gear in awesome looking montage and set out to capture our prey.  Several member of the team are attacked and killed.  I manage to corner the beast outside a tool shed that I lock myself into.  Mutant nearly gains access to shed with it’s chainsaw arm until I empty my service weapon, firing wildly into the air.  Venturing outside after the incident, I find that the “mutant” is actually a large calico house cat named Larry.  The animal was struck and killed by one of my carefully fired shots and is deceased.  I make note of strangeness of earlier evidence pointing to a reticualted sawbear and recover body of Larry the cat for the lab.  Case closed.


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