Vote for Hellbeast.

29 02 2008

Ladies and Gentleman,

As you know election season is coming up and as you examine the resumes of candidates Clinton, Obama, McCain (and to a lesser extent, Huckabee) , consider this:

No one is better suited than I to rule this country with an iron fist– which it clearly needs.  All of the petty social injustices and desperately need reforms will all become a thing of the past as every day you rise and salute me, your glorious leader.  Imagine never having to worry about health care ever again or face discrimination.  There will be no need for taxes or a divide between rich and poor.  No global corporations will dominate politics and no corrupt politicians will line their pockets with your money.  Think of it– the perfect dystopian society.   Me, your god-like leader managing every aspect of your lives. Don’t worry about what you will do for a living, what you will wear, eat or think.   Relax, for I will control it all.  You will live full, productive lives, never having to worry if your neighbor has it better than you. Trust me, they will be in the same situation as you.   And forget about the War in Iraq.  Not only will I be your leader, I will be the leader of the world.  Of course other countries may try to resist the ideas, but they will simply be lobotomized or turned into the delicious food you eat every day.  Sweet, nourishing non-believers!   So join me, You will only have to elect me once and never have to worry about silly elections or political contests ever again.

So I leave you with this:  A vote for Hellbeast is a vote for a world dictator you can believe in.



4 responses

29 02 2008
Hu Jintao

Sounds good to me. But can we share?

3 03 2008

You’ll have to get through me first, and my legions of the undead. Then we will see who truly rules this world.

3 03 2008

This is a democratic process! You hear me? No one is taking over the world. I’m being VOTED into power then taking over… There’s a subtle difference.

5 03 2008
Al Osamo Bin Ladle

Let me give a few pointers. I have already acquired the status you seek and although your ideas are excellent, you need to promise something to the voters to pique their interest. Here are some things that have worked for others:
700 virgins in the afterlife?
a place in the ruling society?
free lifetime subscriptions to iTunes?
Virtually every “vote” in the country can be “acquired” by promising one of these items.
or just give three camels to the guy who is in change of counting the votes.
He will take care of everything else.

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