Project Hellbeast’s guide to meeting the ladies.

6 03 2008

It may be an understatement to say that there are a lot of guys out there in internet land who have trouble getting past the ‘awkward introduction, sweaty handshake, proceeded by painful rejection then stalker stare from across the room’ routine that they normally go through when they meet a nice woman. Fortunately for you, my brethren ( i use that term loosely), you have Project Hellbeast on your side. Whether you are looking for someone to spend an enjoyable evening together with, watching Xena: Warrior Princess, or looking to settle down with that Xena-loving weirdo, this guide is for you.

First things first– Presentation is everything. Before you go out for a night of desperate searching, prepare yourself first. Take a shower, put on deodorant, or if you are in a hurry, go through a car wash with your windows down. Either way, get clean. Then put on some nice clothes. As Mark Twain put it: The clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence in society.” Put on your best Skid Row concert t-shirt, comb the dorito crumbs from your ratty adolescent mustache and spritz yourself with some Drakkar and get out there… the ladies await.

Choosing the Location- As you venture out away from the mold filled cave you call home, remember, selecting the right location is a vital for finding ladies. To add to that, the location you select will also be determinate in the type of ladies you find. The library: Smart, sexy bookish-type gals. The grocery store: hungry, hungry women. Kd Lang concert: um…I wouldn’t expect to get any phone numbers. Select the right location for the woman you want to meet. Get down to the local bazaar and get started.

Selecting Potential Candidates- Once you are in your trendy location, look around. What do you see? Statistically speaking, half of every person you see should be female. (Unless you are at a comic book store, then the percentage drops drastically). Notice the ladies in their natural surroundings. What activities are the involved in? If she slapping a small child, then she is either Britney Spears or some type of daycare provider. Field dressing an elk? She may be a street taxidermist or a serial killer. Reading a book? She’s most likely desperately lonely. Find a girl that is interested in your interests, then make your approach.

Flirting with Style- As you approach the lady of your choice, bear this in mind: your first impression to her will be the most important part of your potential future relationship for many years to come and may be impossible to change. So get over there and make it count. I recommend opening with a funny line. Try something like this: “I’m here to settle something. My friend said you weren’t wearing any panties, so I killed him and stuffed his body in a dumpster.” or this: “What perfume are you wearing? Because you smell like a steppe bison died on a lonesome prairie somewhere and it’s rotten carcass decomposed and from out of it grew a small purple flower. You smell like that flower.” or this: “Are you Chinese? Because you’ve been doing complex mathematical equations in my mind all night.”

Strong body language- It is important to show that you are a healthy specimen of a human being, capable of manufacturing iron clad DNA that will ensure the survival of your  genetic line, or at least be able to hide you hooked fingers, twisted spine and vestigial tail long enough to get her to talk to you.  I recommend good posture, confident speaking voice, and breath mints (lots and lots of them).  As you sit down next to her, remember, the ladies like strong eye contact– with her eyes– on her face.  That low cut dress with the push up bra is a trap.  It’s like the ark of the covenant– don’t look marion!  Whatever you do, don’t look!

Closing the deal- If the lady in question has tolerated you long enough for you to get to this stage, congratulations. You are one of the few. Actually, this is unfamiliar territory for many men so i recommend either proposing marriage, or just asking a bunch of questions about her life. Either way, You are on your own and probably moments from getting an appletini splashed in your eyes.  Flush with water immediately and consult your physician.

Hopefully you have learned some valuable information. By the way, Project Hellbeast cannot be held accountable for any of your failed attempts to meet the ladies. This guide is merely a reference, and should be seen as equal value to the paper it is printed on. Haha Fools!


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4 responses

7 03 2008
Katie

Okay a few things.

1. Xena is cool. Don’t mess with Xena. She will snap you in half.
2. I consulted my female co-workers on your pickup lines. They are creepy and insulting…except for the second one about the bison carcass…that one is potentially funny – to quote “if the guy saying it doesn’t look creepy.”
3. Please don’t tell me Mrs. Hellbeast fell for one of them. I have too much respect for her.
4. You are all pathetic.

7 03 2008
Phil

My rebuttal:
1. Correction: Xena WAS cool. Wait. Did I add the word “not” and “ever” to that sentence? It should read: Not Xena was cool ever .
2. You have female coworkers? Are they foxy ladies? Try this one on them: “Were your pants washed in an aqueous solution of detergent and bleach then dried on the “very warm” setting on the dryer? Because you probably didn’t read the care instructions on them and they look like they shrunk.”
3. Mrs. Hellbeast fell for a tray of barbecue ribs and four tranquilizer darts. It took two helicopters to track her over the rough terrain and a large cargo freighter to bring her back to civilization.
4. Pathetic… or Attractive? (raised eyebrow)… pathetic, right.

9 03 2008
the floacist

Well, you had me at Xena…
I don’t know what else to say.

10 03 2008
Chuck

Ok, i’ve figured out my problems, i’ve been ONLY hanging out at comic book stores, Drakkar wasn’t in stock at Target, so I settled with Cool Water. Damn it! I knew it couldn’t have been because of my bald spot or my coke bottle glasses. Thanks Project Hellbeast!!! You’re better than that rub on headache medicine!!!!

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