11 Reasons why you should not panic

3 02 2009

As you well know, The Hellbeast is here for you. We care about your well being.  We want you to live productive, healthy, and blissfully ignorant lives.  It has come to my attention that there is a certain amount of anxiety, but do not fear.  Project Hellbeast has eleven good reasons why you should just relax.

1.  You’ve still got your health– for now. Most of you are in relative good health, statistically speaking.  You can think and move and control your bowels.  Appreciate that while it lasts.  Having a healthy body means you can enjoy your ability to breathe clearly without sucking hot clouds of radioactive dust, blood agents in aerosol form, or monkey farts.

2.  You are not eternally enslaved to the robot overlord. Thank your lucky stars that the robot overlord has not begun his global conquest,  killing the weak and enslaving the rest.  He’s on his way but for now sit back, relax, and appreciate your soft moist wrists and ankles without the iron chains.

3.  You aren’t showing any symptoms. Sure, later on there will be achy joints, fluid filled pustules, and bleeding from every major opening, but for now you feel pretty good.

4.  You remember who you are. The bright light, the tractor beam, the tests and the probing — for the love of monkeys — THE PROBING!   All of that hasn’t occurred yet.  Your name,  personal information, memories and collected knowledge still remain accessible to you.   Perhaps you should take a few minutes to write some of this stuff down.

5.  The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. This is a comforting sight.  A consistency in life that can provide normalcy and comfort.    What would not be comforting would be if, lets just say,   the sun  rose in the south, got really small, turned blue and then exploded.  That’s when it’s time to panic.

6.  There isn’t an over abundance of  giant genetically enhanced saber-toothed tigers roaming around eating everyone in sight. The military can do nothing– their weapons are powerless.

7.  World War 3 has not started. Who would’ve thought the assassination of  Franz Ferdinand would spark two separate world wars?   In this case, it’s not the archduke, its the band.

8.  Global Warming. Come on, its been really cold lately.  With a little global warming, we could definately get rid of a few of those below zero days.

9. Rod Blagojevich is no longer the governor or Illinois. That’s good.  What’s not so good:   I’ve recently hired him to the experimental hair division of Project Hellbeast.

10.  Most of my secret high level government plants have been confirmed by the US Senate. Move to phase II.

11.  Project Hellbeast loves you. Subliminal messages firmly planted.   anwochlwkcl;eosy934hcliesh37alneo378.  Project Hellbeast loves you.



4 responses

5 02 2009

#6 may not be true in certain localized areas of Oklahoma and Texas.

We apologize for any inconvenience.

5 02 2009
Professor Manticore

Local results may vary. See store for details.

23 02 2009
Extreme Vaporizer

Well, those are definitely 11 reasons to not panic. Except #2, I would prefer slavery to a robot I think.

15 04 2009
How to Get Six Pack Fast

Hey, cool tips. I’ll buy a glass of beer to the person from that forum who told me to go to your blog 🙂

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