What’s new?

20 09 2011

Well, sadly the angst of my life has dwindled away into a nagging discomfort that small amounts of Vodka can easily dispatch.  Unfortunately for you, dear reader, because this blog was my outlet for railing against all the injustice I experienced.  Not to say that my life is injustice free, I’ve just channeled my energy into writing in other forms.  Which is a brilliant segue (If I do say so myself) to share with you my latest venture–  Another BLOG!

Now, I know what you’re saying:  “Hey, these pants really DO make my butt look big.”  and then “Hey! Why in the world would you start another blog if you don’t even write in this one?”

Well to that I say: “Astute observation… and why don’t you shut up?!”

This new venue is a fresh start and a place where I can primarily focus on the craft of screenwriting and the entertainment industry as it interests me.  Project Hellbeast will still live on as a repository for all things mutant related and a great place to learn about why are men violent or why I cannot be a Dinka.

I may still post here from time to time and as always, my contemporary and supposed co-poster Professor Emeritus could always participate, but I hear he has a new buisness venture that involves loud machines which is keeping him pretty busy.

Well, I must close now.  Good luck to you and I hope to see you over at the new blog.

Oh yeah,  I didn’t even say what it is.  Silly mutant creator…

Here it is.

Scenes Real and Imagined


Children’s Book Review: The Rough House

11 02 2010

Well, I don’t write many book reviews, since I find most books to be full of words and many of them don’t make sense. But as an aficionado of both culture and the arts, I find it necessary to call to the attention of the general populace when one work of literary genius elevates our society as a whole.   I’ll let you know when that happens.

In the mean time, consider if you will the children’s book– THE ROUGH HOUSE: The House on the Hill.    A delightful yarn about mutant animal kids who, by their very nature, cannot help but live in active, naive, and hilarously authentic defiance to the guardian who is merely looking out for their best interest.  Any one with young children should find this a very familiar scenario.

The art is a giddy graphic style reminiscent of modern flash cartoons (which I can only imagine the illustrator used) and is so full of energy, the characters seem to leap off the pages.

All in all it is a short but enjoyable experience.   Perfect for reading at bedtime to that little one with far too much energy. We will look forward to more entries into this promising franchise.

Be sure and get your own copy today.  And if you’ve read it, please leave your own review here and on Amazon.

The Rough House on Createspace

The Rough House on Amazon

Understanding Your Wife: an owner’s manual for Husbands. Chapter 7

14 12 2009

In the previous chapter we discussed the common things your wife may say to you and what those things actually mean. You are probably astute enough already to know that sub context and cultural anthropology play large roles in gaining a baseline understanding for who this unique creature known as your wife is. Standard models suggest that 10 % of communication is expressed verbally and 89.9% is non-verbal (0.1% being expressed with either clicks, snorts, or other noisy bodily functions.) But what we are learning about wives is that they express themselves 50% verbally (this does not include yelling) and 139% nonverbally, with an additional 2% for the aforementioned noisy bodily functions.

This chapter we will be exploring this 139% nonverbal signs your wife gives you on a daily basis. Reading and understanding these signs is crucial to nurturing positive reactions from her (as well as when to avoid her altogether.) The chapter will be broken up into two sections: facial nonverbal and body nonverbal.

The Face

The human face, or ugly factory as it is colloquially known, is the primary means with which we identify each other. With over twenty major muscle groups in the face, one might expect to be able to do crazy things with it like crush soda cans, fold paper into swans or pit one side of the face against the other in an epic battle.  Your wife’s face, for all it’s complexity is know for just two major facial expressions.

1. The frown- this is the common facial expression of your wife. Whether she is happy,  sad, frustrated, tired, or pensive, the frown is an all purpose expression.

2.  The…  um.  I’m not quite sure what this one is called.  It’s very elusive.

The Body

Your wife’s body… is great. Ahahaha! But seriously,  Most of the valuable nonverbal information you can gather from your wife will be present in her posture or gestures. Paying close attention to them will help you decipher what it is that she is angry at you for.  Don’t think she’s angry at you for something?  Oh you poor sap.  Let’s take a look at the common stances and positions you may see on your wife.

1. The “Where were you?” — In this pose, your wife will be standing straight with her arms crossed in front of her chest. This can be accompanied by a tapping foot.  This pose is sometimes followed up by the “Do you know what time it is?”.

2. The “Were you out drinking?” This is a backward leaning stance with a hand waving in front of her face as if she’s trying to fan away the booze stench that’s emanating from your body.  If you’re wife is dainty or from the upper crust she may pinch her nose instead.

3. The “This isn’t working out” —  Notice the hand thrown up in the air, the exasperated sighs, the divorce paperwork.  This gesture is usually punctuated with her walking away to pack an overnight bag and the“I’ll be staying at my mothers” pose.

Well there you have it–the most common nonverbal communication you will receive from your wife.  Please note that if the behavior you witness differs from the items on this list, your wife may be sick and you should probably bring her in immediately to your local woman’s clinic or veterinarian. In the next chapter we will examine the many moods a wife may have and what you can do to avoid them.

Top Podcasts Recommendations

21 10 2008

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts recently.  Approximately seven and a half hours of content every day to be exact.  Theres a few that I really enjoy and being that I am such a generous guy, I will give you my top picks for podcasts. They are available on Itunes.

1. Out of the Past, Investigating Film Noir. A great podcast series that is chock full of information about film noir.  Each episode they dissect a particular movie and discuss it’s particular merits as it pertains to the genre. Great stuff, especially if you are a writer or are interested in movies in general.

2. 12 Byzantine Rulers. A great historical series about the Byzantine Empire and it’s 12 most influential rulers. Very well done.  And you thought our political process was messed up. You should check out the Byzantines.

3. SModcast. Kevin Smith (of Clerks fame) and Scott Mosier deliver this hilarious and very ‘adult content’ podcast.  Kevin is just funny to listen to but also has some profound insight on some everyday things.  You can’t help but smile when you listen to it.

4. Psudeopod. Weekly horror podcast.   Great horror stories and a well produced series.  Especially good this time of year.

5. The Moth. True stories from real people.  This has great anecdotes from people in front of an audience.  My favorite was the Elderly Debutante Hypochondriac.   Now you have to listen just to find out what I’m talking about.

6. Creative Screenwriters Magazine podcast. Jeff Goldsmith interviews the writers of current movies.  It is insightful and inspiring. Especially for budding screenwriters, but interesting enough for anyone who cares about how the story of a movie is put together.

7.  The Ricky Gervais Show. I’m not sure if it is on currently but on it’s first run it was absolutely hilarious.  You almost feel bad for poor Karl Pilkington, but not really.

Well that’s all I’ve got for you at the moment.  I’m considering doing my own podcast. But then again, who would want to listen to me yammer on for 30 minutes?

Project Hellbeast’s Guide to the Financial Crisis

9 10 2008

Project Hellbeast has always been your guide to life and its many mysteries, and even though I have no “professional” experience in offering financial advice and you should use what I tell you at your own peril (seriously),  I want to give you my tips for how to survive the current finanical crisis.

First of all, without trying to sound flippant,  there really is NO financial crisis right now.   It’s all just numbers in the ether going up or going down.  Does it really have a real world impact on your life?  The answer is no.  If the dow drops 200 points,  are there Visigoths breaking down you door stealing those antique pearls that your great grandmother brought across the ocean when she immigrated from Madagascar back in ’06?    The simple fact is that panic feeds on itself.  It builds and infects the weak and eats their pancreas with maple syrup.  The market may be down now but you will be amazed at how fast it will rebound.  And then you will kick yourself for not buying low.

Seeing how everyone is in a panic mood– that is what I recommend you buy right now.  Panic industries.  Guns,  Surplus military gear.  Mayan Calenders,  Vaporizer rays,  Robots, and  my top pick is… Project Hellbeast Industries.  You cant go wrong with the world’s top provider of genetically enhanced mutant creatures used to terrorize the populace.   I have a small disclaimer here.   Full disclosure : this blog is owned and operated by a not for profit private collective of non-partisan, non-denominational, super intelligent chimpanzees with laser eyes.   That’s all.   So invest heavily in mutant hellbeasts and hellbeast accessories.   When the panic spreads,  unleash the beast and you just might find yourself in control of an entire nation-state.

Good luck and happy hunting!

Rising Side Concert/CD Release Show

17 06 2008

Rising Side

Essential to any unbalanced mind is driving music to kill by. Get the soundtrack to your latest massacre here and go support the most musical and promising young world domination candidate to come along since… me.

Please go. If I hear you have been insolent, you will suffer the teeth of the grizzly woodchuck.

that is all.

Details are available here.

Project Hellbeast Guide to Personal Entertainment

16 03 2008

The pervasiveness of the modern gadget in our lives has led to many new forms of personal entertainment.  You can hardly find somebody that doesn’t carry a cell phone or own a portable gaming system or even have one of those hula girl tattoos on their bicep.  The fact is we are constantly being entertained. We spend billions each year on escaping our own harsh realities and being amused in some form or another– and that’s not to mention mind altering drugs.

To be a savvy consumer in this world wide marketplace of entertainment, you should be informed as to what products or services give you the most bang for your buck, so to speak.  That is yet another reason why you turn to Project Hellbeast–  we provide you with information on the very best this world has to offer.  So without further delay here is the Project Hellbeast Guide to Personal Entertainment.

bPOD– Many of you are familar with the portable MP3 player known as the ipod, but did you realize that another product can provide you with hours of entertainment and doesn’t require you to purchase songs or recharge a battery.  This amazing gadget is called the bPOD.  It’s elegantly designed cylindrical shape is one that only nature could come up with.  Simply carry around one of these bPODs and it plays a sort of melodic drone for hours on end.  The real entertainment happens when you get into a crowd of people. All you do is give your bPOD a hard shake and throw it on the ground. That is when the swarm of angry bees that were nesting inside the bPOD comes flying out and stings everyone in sight.  It is certainly the most fun you will have for hours. And since the bees don’t discriminate, you get the full experience every time.  The best thing is that bPods are free and widely available in nature.  Look for all three styles– Yellowjacket, Hornet, and Paper Wasp.  Get yours today!

Antidote treasure hunt–  If you are tired of how predictable most video games have become these days, I recommend the  Antidote treasure hunt.  It consists of getting together with a group of friends, giving one of them the antidote and the rest of you all drinking a slow acting poison.  The fun begins as you have one hour to track down and drink the antidote before any of your friends get to it.  As you drunkenly weave your way through the city, you will test your skills like never before.  There’s nothing like a game where you only get one guy– and it’s YOU.  Forget about collecting points, it’s a free for all mad scramble to get that antidote.  You’ve got nothing to lose but your own life.   And if you win- you get to put your three letter initials  on a poster in the main entrance of Gorduchi’s Pizza on south main– making it totally worth the risk.

Rancor pit-  Home theater systems are getting better every day, but nothing compares to the audio and visual experience of your very own Rankor pit in you house.  Invite your friends over to see it and when one of them walks over the trap door… Wham! You’ve got yourself a complete experience for an evening.  Watch them scream and yell and try to climb up the chute again. If they’re lucky they might be able to wedge a bone in the terrible beast’s mouth, but their reprieve will be only momentary, as the huge beast’s jaws will be able to snap that femur with no problem.  Watch and laugh from your sliding platform.  You can even dress the poor sap’s girlfriend in a gold bikini with a heavy chain bolted to her neck.  It won’t matter because he is a goner.  And you get to sit back and enjoy the show.  The drawbacks to the Rancor pit are the costs associated with constructing the pit and purchasing and keeping the Rancor. But the look of surprise on your friends faces when the are pitted against the six ton killing machine will be totally worth the money.  Yeah piggy, run! hahaha!

Well, there you have it. My top picks for keeping you entertained and the world afraid. Get out there and have some fun.