Children’s Book Review: The Rough House

11 02 2010

Well, I don’t write many book reviews, since I find most books to be full of words and many of them don’t make sense. But as an aficionado of both culture and the arts, I find it necessary to call to the attention of the general populace when one work of literary genius elevates our society as a whole.   I’ll let you know when that happens.

In the mean time, consider if you will the children’s book– THE ROUGH HOUSE: The House on the Hill.    A delightful yarn about mutant animal kids who, by their very nature, cannot help but live in active, naive, and hilarously authentic defiance to the guardian who is merely looking out for their best interest.  Any one with young children should find this a very familiar scenario.

The art is a giddy graphic style reminiscent of modern flash cartoons (which I can only imagine the illustrator used) and is so full of energy, the characters seem to leap off the pages.

All in all it is a short but enjoyable experience.   Perfect for reading at bedtime to that little one with far too much energy. We will look forward to more entries into this promising franchise.

Be sure and get your own copy today.  And if you’ve read it, please leave your own review here and on Amazon.

The Rough House on Createspace

The Rough House on Amazon





Rising Side Concert/CD Release Show

17 06 2008

Rising Side

Essential to any unbalanced mind is driving music to kill by. Get the soundtrack to your latest massacre here and go support the most musical and promising young world domination candidate to come along since… me.

Please go. If I hear you have been insolent, you will suffer the teeth of the grizzly woodchuck.

that is all.

Details are available here.





Project Hellbeast swag

12 01 2008

Do you love Project Hellbeast?

Do you think about something you read here for hours?

Do you pour over the content here, desperately searching for valuable information for your impending defamation lawsuit?

Want to know where you can spend your hard earned money for t-shirts with Project Hellbeast motifs printed on them?

Well than search no further. You can now buy your very own Project Hellbeast t-shirt. In fact  you can buy everyone you know one, just in time for (next) Christmas,  I might add. Be the first to own the t-shirt that the government doesn’t want you to have.  Spark controversy with your very presence while wearing this beauty.  Yes increase your personal coolness by +10.   Improve you smelling ability. Lower your overall punctuality.  Everything is possible and nothing is better than an official Project Hellbeast t-shirt.  If you have a loved family member that need a life saving operation and you just have enough money for it, but you also want an official t-shirt as well.  Just buy the t-shirt and owe the hospital a few bucks.  That is what credit is for!

Now go and get yours now. I insist.  What are you waiting for?  A sneak peek of what the design looks like?  ok fine. here.

bloodypaw_lores.jpg

see? I told you it was awesome. now go!

HELLBEAST Store

A final note if you have a favorite beast you would like to see on a t-shirt, let me know and I may be able to get close enough to it to get a picture before I am gored to death.  That is all.





Mutant Recovery Squad: Attica, Indiana

7 01 2008

The cosy town of Attica, Indiana might just be the most picturesque small community in the entire part of Midwestern Indiana. Nestled along the Wabash river and adjoining the historic “Dolly Varden Line” railway, Attica is the perfect spot for raising a family, leading a quiet, laid back life, and avoiding all the chaos and noise of city life. What the laconic folks of Attica were not anticipating however was the nearly week long rampage of a malfunctioning mutant, accidentally released in their midst. Fortunately for these gentle folk, we were there.

We are the Mutant Recovery Squad.

7:45pm: We recieved a call from the local law enforcement officials detailing an attack on a carload of high schoolers, and mobilized our Mutant Containment Vehicle- which is pretty much a decomissioned fire truck that shoots gasoline from the hoses. This vehicle has been remarkably effective in containing larger mutants and anything with fur. The downside is that anything combustible in the nearby vicinity usually suffers as well.

8:21 am. We arrive in Attica and eat breakfast at a local cafe. I had eggs over medium, bacon, hash browns, wheat toast dry and a glass of grapefruit juice, which I only drank a few sips of because I decided that I really don’t like grapefruit juice. I tip the waitress $2.33 and we are off. Without knowing exactly what type of mutant we are facing, I check the customer records and the national mutant registry to see if there are any hybrid offenders in the area. There are no records of anyone nearby. The nearest mutant owner is eighty miles away in Indianapolis. Perhaps an examination of the attacked vehicle will provide more clues.

9:53 am. A careful inspection of the 1992 Ford Probe GL reveals that the owner to be an arrogant jackass who is compensating for something. We also noted 3 claw pattern scratches to the exterior of the vehicle. Hair fibers were consistent with that of a Ursus Horribilis. Further DNA analysis would be required to identify the actual genetic markers. The C7 tag on the long chain ribosome should also contain the owners information if it is one of the class G or later models. I bag the hair and send it to the mobile lab for definitive results. I also note that the entire roof of the car was missing (located after a short search in a nearby white oak tree). This was probably the way the mutant gained access to the unsuspecting and delicious teenagers. Mechanical cuts on the frame indicate a rotating metal blade, most likely a chainsaw. From the evidence here, I suspect our culprit is a Reticulated Sawbear.

11:15 am. We take an early lunch. Me: Clubhouse sandwich with turkey, swiss, tomatoes, and fresh spinach, kettle chips and an orange soda. I was actually unable to finish my kettle chips, due to a large barn owl that appears to have been waiting for me to be momentarily distracted so it could swoop down and steal the entire bag from my plate. Owl apparently love kettle chips, who knew? We receive another call from the sheriff. A woman and her two Siberian huskies disappeared on a walk near the country club. We left the restaurant without leaving a tip. (Afterwards, I debated on whether or not to return and give the young lady a few dollars, but concluded that any establishment that isn’t 100% Barn owl free doesn’t deserve a tip).

12:31 pm. Outside the Harrison Hills country Club we find the two dogs completely bisected by a mechanical cutting device, again most likely a chainsaw. No trace of the woman but a Nokia cell phone with dental impressions similar to that of a Grizzly bear seem to confirm my earlier suspicion.

2:08 pm. Missing woman miraculously located at local franchise coffee house, in one piece and downing shot after shot of espresso.  Still in a state of shock we were able to piece together that she was attacked by a large brown creature with a metal arm that had a rotating blade on it– This seems to corroborate our story entirely.  Woman collapses from caffeine poisoning and is taken to local hospital. I order tall nonfat chai tea with soy and the local beatniks nod in approval. I call to assemble the mutant retrieval gear.

3:15 pm. We assemble gear in awesome looking montage and set out to capture our prey.  Several member of the team are attacked and killed.  I manage to corner the beast outside a tool shed that I lock myself into.  Mutant nearly gains access to shed with it’s chainsaw arm until I empty my service weapon, firing wildly into the air.  Venturing outside after the incident, I find that the “mutant” is actually a large calico house cat named Larry.  The animal was struck and killed by one of my carefully fired shots and is deceased.  I make note of strangeness of earlier evidence pointing to a reticualted sawbear and recover body of Larry the cat for the lab.  Case closed.





Project Hellbeast’s Favorite Cookie Recipe

5 12 2007

Theres something about the way the snow blankets the trees, the frosty chill in the air and squirts of blood are easily tracked by ground units that make this time of year my favorite. All the children snuggle down in their beds, hoping, waiting to hear the sound of that nefarious bastard, Winter Claus come scraping up through the coal chutes, ice pick in one hand and trailing his dead leg. (I wounded him, but you know how persistent he can be!) Yes it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

Every year about this time my grandmother would return from the ice floes, reattach her wire whisk cooking arm and make a batch of my favorite recipe. She’s gone now, (spends most of her time at the casinos in Delaware) but we can still enjoy her recipe.

 Death Shard Delights

1 c Flour

1 c Sugar

1/2 c Shortening ( or condensed Bear Fat)

2 tspVanilla

1 swiss pocket watch  (crushed with gear springs removed)

2 Eggs

1 C  Apeshit

8 oz. Cream of Weasel Soup

1 small vial of Iocaine powder  (odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquids)

1 C Infected Zombie blood.

Prehead oven to 350.  Combine dry ingredients in a metal mixing bowl  and stir with metal whisk mixing arm.  Mix liquids  in separate bowl and bronze with  brulee torch or flame thrower.   Mix everything together and form into compact disks.  Bake for 12 minutes or until cookies brown.   Remove from oven and attach trip wires before they cool .     Sprinkle with gunpowder or Primacord sprinkles.   Enjoy.





Hellbeast Project Approvals

12 11 2007

We as the upper management of Project Hellbeast thoroughly appreciate all the contributions you (our employees) have made to make this experiment in ‘playing God’ such a success. We all think of your fine work whenever we open a bottle of expensive champagne or smear endangered dolphin fat on our faces as questionably effective facial creme.  You may not reap the rewards directly but you do get to keep your jobs for another several months and you do experience the intangible, (I would argue) more important benefits of your bosses in good moods, well-fed, happy, youthful-looking and able to make clear-minded decisions from our Ginseng + Golden Tamarind hypocampus for healthy neural processing.

The downside to all this free-spirited experimentation has been many unfortunately designed creatures. These mishaps have cost us in time, equipment, facilities and in the case of the exploding porcupines,  Archie Bakker got  multiple  infected needle wounds in his buttocks.

Due to this recent spate of  mishaps, the following approval procedures will be implemented:

1. All plans for new creatures or high modifications to existing creatures classified dangerous, moderately dangerous, or potently stinky must have senior level approval signed on their Form 722 before project begins.

2. Any mid-level modifications to beavers, muskrats, or other aquatic rodents should be done on the level 4 test range behind the blast gates.  Extra parts should be collected and recycled.

3. Modifications to small flightless birds are to be restricted to no more than 7.92 grain weapon systems.  Lasers are preferred, but are not yet considered manditory.

4. An all out ban on pneumatic enhancement of kangroo legs is in effect until further notice. The damage to the marsupial workshop ceiling is still being repaired.

5. Combing the potent sedative found in the brain of the three-toed sloth and injecting it into an overweight Siamese cat  does not make them any lazier.   If this is your present line of research, please stop.

Thank you for all your time and attention into these matters.

Get back to work,

Manticore





Bring your Mutant to work day.

3 11 2007

A few notes on our recent “Bring Your Mutant to Work Day”.

While I did feel that overall it was a success (I’m sure Professor Emeritus will agree)  there is a few things I would like to mention as way we can improve it for next year.

1. Keep your mutant on a leash at all times.  I know the whole spirit of the thing is that each employee gets to bring in their favorite mutant and let him cavort and frolic amongst the others, mutants, after all, are dangerous creatures.  And not to point any fingers specifically, but especially if you have an eagelephant, they are much to aggressive to just let run free.  (ahem, Ken Thomson)

2. Clean up after your mutant.  Mutants feeding and frolicing often produce copious amounts of mutant by-product.  Many of the food items were ruined by a few careless mutants. The eagelephant was probably the most aggregious offender.  Please, take care of your beast,   Ken Thomson– this means you.

3. Do not let your mutant breed with any other mutants.   As fun as it may be for your mutant, and as amusing as it is to watch– the tapirmonkey’s attempt with the porcusnake definately had the crowd rolling–  we cannot be responsible for the genetic outcome of the offspring.  We are scientist, albiet evil ones, we still must bear some responsibility for what hideous life we create.  Also, legal department wanted me to mention that any new speices that was created during the “Bring Your Mutant to Work Day”  is the property and copyright of Project Hellbeast and should be turned into Level 8 research immediately.

4. Your own children are not considered mutants.  Taping antlers to your daughter is not actually altering her DNA. If you are actually going to alter your child’s DNA, then that is a different story.  But until that time leave all non-mutants home. Bring them in on Family day instead– thats why we have it.

Lets try to keep these rules in mind next year and have another great Bring Your Mutant to Work Day.

(Ken Thomson– Please report to personnel.)