What’s new?

20 09 2011

Well, sadly the angst of my life has dwindled away into a nagging discomfort that small amounts of Vodka can easily dispatch.  Unfortunately for you, dear reader, because this blog was my outlet for railing against all the injustice I experienced.  Not to say that my life is injustice free, I’ve just channeled my energy into writing in other forms.  Which is a brilliant segue (If I do say so myself) to share with you my latest venture–  Another BLOG!

Now, I know what you’re saying:  “Hey, these pants really DO make my butt look big.”  and then “Hey! Why in the world would you start another blog if you don’t even write in this one?”

Well to that I say: “Astute observation… and why don’t you shut up?!”

This new venue is a fresh start and a place where I can primarily focus on the craft of screenwriting and the entertainment industry as it interests me.  Project Hellbeast will still live on as a repository for all things mutant related and a great place to learn about why are men violent or why I cannot be a Dinka.

I may still post here from time to time and as always, my contemporary and supposed co-poster Professor Emeritus could always participate, but I hear he has a new buisness venture that involves loud machines which is keeping him pretty busy.

Well, I must close now.  Good luck to you and I hope to see you over at the new blog.

Oh yeah,  I didn’t even say what it is.  Silly mutant creator…

Here it is.

Scenes Real and Imagined


Hellbeast Project Approvals

12 11 2007

We as the upper management of Project Hellbeast thoroughly appreciate all the contributions you (our employees) have made to make this experiment in ‘playing God’ such a success. We all think of your fine work whenever we open a bottle of expensive champagne or smear endangered dolphin fat on our faces as questionably effective facial creme.  You may not reap the rewards directly but you do get to keep your jobs for another several months and you do experience the intangible, (I would argue) more important benefits of your bosses in good moods, well-fed, happy, youthful-looking and able to make clear-minded decisions from our Ginseng + Golden Tamarind hypocampus for healthy neural processing.

The downside to all this free-spirited experimentation has been many unfortunately designed creatures. These mishaps have cost us in time, equipment, facilities and in the case of the exploding porcupines,  Archie Bakker got  multiple  infected needle wounds in his buttocks.

Due to this recent spate of  mishaps, the following approval procedures will be implemented:

1. All plans for new creatures or high modifications to existing creatures classified dangerous, moderately dangerous, or potently stinky must have senior level approval signed on their Form 722 before project begins.

2. Any mid-level modifications to beavers, muskrats, or other aquatic rodents should be done on the level 4 test range behind the blast gates.  Extra parts should be collected and recycled.

3. Modifications to small flightless birds are to be restricted to no more than 7.92 grain weapon systems.  Lasers are preferred, but are not yet considered manditory.

4. An all out ban on pneumatic enhancement of kangroo legs is in effect until further notice. The damage to the marsupial workshop ceiling is still being repaired.

5. Combing the potent sedative found in the brain of the three-toed sloth and injecting it into an overweight Siamese cat  does not make them any lazier.   If this is your present line of research, please stop.

Thank you for all your time and attention into these matters.

Get back to work,


Bring your Mutant to work day.

3 11 2007

A few notes on our recent “Bring Your Mutant to Work Day”.

While I did feel that overall it was a success (I’m sure Professor Emeritus will agree)  there is a few things I would like to mention as way we can improve it for next year.

1. Keep your mutant on a leash at all times.  I know the whole spirit of the thing is that each employee gets to bring in their favorite mutant and let him cavort and frolic amongst the others, mutants, after all, are dangerous creatures.  And not to point any fingers specifically, but especially if you have an eagelephant, they are much to aggressive to just let run free.  (ahem, Ken Thomson)

2. Clean up after your mutant.  Mutants feeding and frolicing often produce copious amounts of mutant by-product.  Many of the food items were ruined by a few careless mutants. The eagelephant was probably the most aggregious offender.  Please, take care of your beast,   Ken Thomson– this means you.

3. Do not let your mutant breed with any other mutants.   As fun as it may be for your mutant, and as amusing as it is to watch– the tapirmonkey’s attempt with the porcusnake definately had the crowd rolling–  we cannot be responsible for the genetic outcome of the offspring.  We are scientist, albiet evil ones, we still must bear some responsibility for what hideous life we create.  Also, legal department wanted me to mention that any new speices that was created during the “Bring Your Mutant to Work Day”  is the property and copyright of Project Hellbeast and should be turned into Level 8 research immediately.

4. Your own children are not considered mutants.  Taping antlers to your daughter is not actually altering her DNA. If you are actually going to alter your child’s DNA, then that is a different story.  But until that time leave all non-mutants home. Bring them in on Family day instead– thats why we have it.

Lets try to keep these rules in mind next year and have another great Bring Your Mutant to Work Day.

(Ken Thomson– Please report to personnel.)

Project Hell Beast Update

2 11 2007

Thank You Socrates, 

As many of you are aware, much of my work in the early years had been focused on belnding and modifying the muliple animal species into a human “super species.” However after a number of horifying creature were produced, (Olsen twins, a certain Bounty Hunter, and the cast of Grey’s Anatomy) I deemed this practice to be detrimental to the better practices of the profession. So began my work in the secretive science of mutant genetic animal creation.  

But enough of the past. I would like to thank Professor Socrates for bringin me to his lab after my previous employer suffered an untimely demise at the tiny hands of a wiley sharcoon-porcubat. I promise to welcome all new ideas as long as they are my own.

Welcome Professor.

1 11 2007

Project Hellbeast, the internet’s foremost authority on building custom mutants for populace terrorization, is also your source for top quality information of a general or random nature. To that end we have recently brought in the greatest mind to ever postulate a chimp-pig, or put a machine gun on the back of an aardvark, (next to my own of course) I am talking about Professor Emeritus.

I trust you will all welcome the Professor as he imparts his worldly wisdom to you on a regular or not so regular basis. You will grow to love him as you love me, standing uncomfortably close and sweating.

Without further ado, I present. Professor Emeritus.

Brilliant artist?

19 08 2007

Here is an image from a recent gallery show of a young artist I happen to know.

It was done with water color on paper. It is titled. “The Pickle and the Dragon”


Project Hellbeast: The Musical

26 07 2007

Music starts. Curtains open on a menacing metal building sits nestled amongst the leafy fronds of the jungle. Strange wild animal noises call to each other in the distance. From the front doors comes the very perky public affairs representative of Project Hellbeast, Karyn Stolke. She sings.

Stolke: Greetings Investors and Friends! Welcome to place where dangerous experiments with mutants and fun never ends!

My name is Karyn Stolke, and I will be your guide today. You will see amazing wonders and mind blowing sights but not until you sign this NDAaaaa!

Chorus: Non Disclosure Agreement!

Stolke: Please wear these goggles, They’re for you’re protection. You must also wear this bio-suit and have all your vaccinations, and a shot of epinephrine, and carry this twelve-gauge, and put on this sun block and then you should be o-kaaaaaaaayyyyy!

Chorus: Liability Release Form!!

Stolke: So c’mon everybody, we’re gonna make some mutants, to terrorize the populace at large! Welcome! — I said— Welcome! (are you listening to me in the back?) Welcome to Project Hell Beeeeeeeeast!!!!!

Curtains close, end of Prelude.