Understanding Your Wife: an owner’s manual for Husbands. Chapter 7

14 12 2009

In the previous chapter we discussed the common things your wife may say to you and what those things actually mean. You are probably astute enough already to know that sub context and cultural anthropology play large roles in gaining a baseline understanding for who this unique creature known as your wife is. Standard models suggest that 10 % of communication is expressed verbally and 89.9% is non-verbal (0.1% being expressed with either clicks, snorts, or other noisy bodily functions.) But what we are learning about wives is that they express themselves 50% verbally (this does not include yelling) and 139% nonverbally, with an additional 2% for the aforementioned noisy bodily functions.

This chapter we will be exploring this 139% nonverbal signs your wife gives you on a daily basis. Reading and understanding these signs is crucial to nurturing positive reactions from her (as well as when to avoid her altogether.) The chapter will be broken up into two sections: facial nonverbal and body nonverbal.

The Face

The human face, or ugly factory as it is colloquially known, is the primary means with which we identify each other. With over twenty major muscle groups in the face, one might expect to be able to do crazy things with it like crush soda cans, fold paper into swans or pit one side of the face against the other in an epic battle.  Your wife’s face, for all it’s complexity is know for just two major facial expressions.

1. The frown- this is the common facial expression of your wife. Whether she is happy,  sad, frustrated, tired, or pensive, the frown is an all purpose expression.

2.  The…  um.  I’m not quite sure what this one is called.  It’s very elusive.

The Body

Your wife’s body… is great. Ahahaha! But seriously,  Most of the valuable nonverbal information you can gather from your wife will be present in her posture or gestures. Paying close attention to them will help you decipher what it is that she is angry at you for.  Don’t think she’s angry at you for something?  Oh you poor sap.  Let’s take a look at the common stances and positions you may see on your wife.

1. The “Where were you?” — In this pose, your wife will be standing straight with her arms crossed in front of her chest. This can be accompanied by a tapping foot.  This pose is sometimes followed up by the “Do you know what time it is?”.

2. The “Were you out drinking?” This is a backward leaning stance with a hand waving in front of her face as if she’s trying to fan away the booze stench that’s emanating from your body.  If you’re wife is dainty or from the upper crust she may pinch her nose instead.

3. The “This isn’t working out” —  Notice the hand thrown up in the air, the exasperated sighs, the divorce paperwork.  This gesture is usually punctuated with her walking away to pack an overnight bag and the“I’ll be staying at my mothers” pose.

Well there you have it–the most common nonverbal communication you will receive from your wife.  Please note that if the behavior you witness differs from the items on this list, your wife may be sick and you should probably bring her in immediately to your local woman’s clinic or veterinarian. In the next chapter we will examine the many moods a wife may have and what you can do to avoid them.